Question:
I understand that Torah law prohibits physical contact between a man and a womanāor even for them to be alone in a room togetherāunless they are first-degree relatives or married to each other. This applies to any man and any woman, regardless of their ages or whether or notĀ they are sexually attracted to each other, with only a few conditional exceptions. And then there are all those rules about āmodestā dress. Isnāt that carrying it a bit far? Are we really such animals?
Answer:
When a man and woman are together in a room, and the door closes, that is a sexual event. Not because of what is going to happen, but what has already happened. It may not be something to make novels of, but it is a sexual occurrence, because male and female is what sexuality used to be all about.
It is true that in our world today, in the āfree worldā certainly, people have, on the whole, stopped thinking in these terms. What happened was that we started putting up all these defenses, getting steeled, inured, against the constant exposure and stimulation of men and women sharing all sorts of activitiesācoeducational school, camps, gymsāis that we started blocking out groups of people. We canāt be as naturally sexual as Gād created us to be. When a man says, āI have a woman friend, but weāre just friends, nothing more, Iām not attracted to her in any sexual way, sheās not my type,ā youāve got to ask yourself what is really going on here. Is this a disciplined person? Or is this a person who has died a little bit?
What does he mean, āSheās not my type?ā When did all this ātypingā come into existence? Itās all artificial. Itās not true to human sexuality. And it really isnāt even true in this particular context, because given a slight change of circumstance, you could very easily be attracted. After all, you are a male, sheās a female. How many times does a relationship begin that is casual, neighborly, and then suddenly becomes intimate? The great awakening of this boy and girl who are running around, doing all sorts of things, sharing all sorts of activities, and lo and behold, they realizeāwhat drama, what dramaāthat they are attracted to each other. These are grownups, intelligent human beings, and it caught them by surprise. Itās kind of silly.
So, closing a door should be recognized as a sexual event. And you need to ask yourself: Are you prepared for this? Is it permissible? Is it proper? If not, leave the door open. Should men and women shake hands? Should it be seen as an intimate gesture? Should any physical contact that is friendly be considered intimate? Hopefully, it should.
These laws are not guarantees against sin. They have never completely prevented it. There are people who dress very modestly. They cover everything. They sin. Itās a little more cumbersome, but they manage. All these laws are not just there to lessen the possibility of someone doing something wrong. They also preserve sexualityābecause human sexuality is what Gād wants. He gave us these laws to preserve it, to enhance itāand make sure itās focused to the right places and circumstancesānot to stifle it.
We have become callous about our sexuality. Even in marriage, a kiss on the run cheapens it, makes it callousāthen we run to the therapist for advice. And do you know what the therapist who charges $200 an hour for his advice says? He tells the couple not to touch each other for two weeks. Judaism tells you that, free of charge. Yes, there are two weeks each month during which a husband and wife donāt touch. This therapy has been around for 3000 years. And it still works. Itās a wonderful idea.
When you donāt close the door on yourself and that other person, you are recognizing your own sexuality. You are acknowledging the sexuality of the other person. Being modest, recognizing our borders, knowing where intimacy begins and not waiting until it is so intimate that weāre too far gone, is a very healthy way of living. It doesnāt change your lifestyle dramatically, but enhances it dramatically, and you come away more capable of relaxing, better able to be spontaneous, because you know that you can trust yourself. Youāve defined your borders. Now you can be free. It takes a load off your mind, and it makes you a much more lovable person.
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